It’s my first day in the world. Not that I come back to the real one but more like walk into the unreal…
I’ve tried to move on by going to Paragon for grocery shopping. There were people everywhere. I carried food tray soullessly for ages but no place for me. Never felt this tired. Everything was fast forwarded and I was lost in the middle of nowhere like that scene in "Lost in Translation". Suddenly sorrow overwhelmed me. Flows of unfamiliar faces but none of whom I care. In the world full of crowd, it was empty. I asked myself "Why am I here? Why ain’t I at the place I should be?". Then memories flashed back to last Friday, the day my grandmom left me.
It was 6.30 pm when I left home on Friday 9 October 2009. I didn’t go upstairs to look her up as my mom asked me to as she didn’t come downstairs all day. Instead, I asked my aunt to do it for me. I stopped by at skin clinic first then to CTW for sushi meal at 9 pm. Later on I went to Brown Sugar around 10.40 pm. I didn’t go back home.
"Home" called me around 7am on Saturday but i didn’t pick up. Then my younger bro called. This time I picked up and it was the most devastated day in my life. When I was home, I walked upstairs inconsolably. I was drown and deluged with grief and guilt. She was there on her bed in her small bedroom with that thingy in her nose. I hugged her one last time and no matter what, she was warm to me, though lifeless. I sat there by her with my younger bro. Sadly he had to be responsible for the process even he’s normally not the organizer, not like me. He said he tried his best to hold himself together…My aunt told me that around 8.30 pm on Friday, she still talked to grandma, no sign, no anything. Grandma asked if I was home and my aunt said yes. Around 11.30 pm my mom went upstairs to check up on her but grandma already checked out peacefully and beautifully at the age of 92. The nurse said she passed away around 10 pm.
I was in a hurry to finish my last piece of heavenly sushi before the store closed at 10 pm while my beloved grandma was in a hurry to heaven.
I indulged myself with chilly Long Island and Mai Tai in the not-so-jazzy-as-i-expected atmosphere while my grandma was chilling,bit by bit,in the middle of the night.
I was soberly asleep but my grandma was asleep forever.
She asked about me….
I asked to myself…Why didn’t I go upstairs to see her one last time?
Why didn’t I be there when she asked of me?
Why didn’t I take care of her better? (I didn’t turn on Chinese Opera for her and didn’t talk to her as much as I could that week)
Why was I such a nonchalant bastard?
Why was it that night, the night I decided to have night out for the first time in months, or years, the night I decided not to go back home?
She always said to herself when she sat on her red armchair in front of TV, right beside my desk, the red armchair that can be seen from my bed view, before I turned on Chinese Opera for her that she would like to pass away comfortably. "Die in my sleep, just like that" she said. And she did. It was good for her, i suppose. Despite few cries a day and some disgusting habits of some relatives even when she was around that upsetted me and made me down, I tried my best to manage to send her to heaven…My friends said I didn’t know what would happen and I did love her…every consolation they could think of. Still,it was the piercing fact that I wasn’t there.
It’s my first day in the world. It’s unreal cos I have to tell myself I’ve to go on and I’m ok even I’m a stranger to this world…and deep down inside I’m a stranger to myself…I try several ways to collect my breaking pieces. I went to that very skin clinic. I don’t know if it was the ache on my face from popping the pimples or the pain in my heart that made me cry… I went shopping…I listened to CDs…I commented on facebook…I don’t know if I’d be able to go to that sushi place/ Brown Sugar again soon but I’m trying and recovering my tumbling life as I think she wants me to live…Life in Minor key, Life without her.